Hell on the Hogwarts Express
by MontanaAngel
Summary: Totally insane little story about Harry on the Hogwarts Express... doesn't really make much sense, but read it anyway, it's funny!


Harry lugged his trunk behind him. He was still pissed about Ron and Hermione. They had to sit in the prefects little fucking compartment. Harry was passing compartments and not realizing that his foot was hitting the wall at the back of the train over and over again and his trunk has lost a wheel with his vicious tugging. God! I need to connect with the world.

"Potter!" Harry turned around slowly not believing his bad luck. Malfoy was leaning against the doorpost.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?"

"What do you mean, Malfoy? I'm looking for a compartment,"

"Well move along," said Malfoy, sticking his nose in the air.

"Watch yourself, Malfoy," said Harry, "Since your little cronies got kicked out, and you've been disbanded from being a prefect, you've got nothing against me," He balanced his trunk on one wheel and started looking into compartments. Damn. Damn, damn! Every one was full. Every Goddamn compartment, except for Malfoy's. Cursing under his breath and kicking the sides of the full compartments, he made his way back to Malfoy's and threw open the door, shoved his truck inside, and threw himself down on the seat farthest away from Malfoy as he could. Malfoy looked at him like he was some kind of thestral highbred.

"No room anywhere else," said Harry shortly. Malfoy laughed openly.

"Well why are you all alone, Malfoy!" Harry was thinking that this was going to be the longest train ride ever.

"I happen to like this compartment and I happen to like to be alone" Malfoy was not looking straight at Harry. He was looking at Harry 's scar. He could tell he was loathing it. Harry felt like he could care less so he decided to have some fun.

"First time you seen it this close huh?" Malfoy looked for the first time in to Harry's eyes. They were cold as ever. He did not say anything so Harry went on.

"Pretty annoying huh, living proof that I beat Voldemort without even a fight"

Malfoy looked as if someone had slapped him.

"How dare you say his name!' Malfoy hissed at him.

"Jeesh Malfoy you have to get over that! Voldemort!Voldemort ! Voldemort! See nothing happened I am not stuck down I did not have a heart attack or anything! Voldemort was a pretty lame character though, so was your father" Harry did not know why he was so mad. I guess he is trying to get Malfoy before he gets him with something that will make him cry or make him so angry he would gets expelled.

"I heard Sirius Black **_was_** quite a character too, but my dad says he was the biggest wimp of all time-"

"Shut the fuck up about things you don't understand, you could never understand unless I take your stupid mother and throw her off a cliff!" Harry was laughing softly now. Why was he laughing? He did not feel like laughing. In fact that was the farthest thing he wanted to do right now.

"He is pretty powerful isn't he?" Malfoy was smiling now.

"What are you talking about Malfoy!" Harry said rather roughly. Malfoy imitated Harry's little laugh.

"You don't laugh like that….usually" Harry jumped to his feet.

"Are you stalking me?" He asked. Malfoy looked deeply disgusted.

"Ugg, gag! Why would I wan to waste my time watching you!" He resumed his usual I-know-everything-look and settled back in his seat. Harry hated him for being comfortable.

"So I hear that Voldemort can speak through you know…" Harry looked sharply at him. He looked bored and exasperated at the same time. He took a deep breath and said,

"My father caught wind of it in the ministry" he said and he looked at Harry as if he were a disgusting slug or something.

"You are possessed potter!" He scooted away as if Harry had the Black Death

"Yah I am so don't get to near to me!" Harry was pissed. Malfoy belonged in an anger management program.

"Why in Hell would I want to get near to you?" said Malfoy, stressing the word "you."

"Well with you, one never knows," said Harry. Malfoy jumped to his feet, plunging his hand inside his robe. He didn't find anything. He patted his robes, his face portraying his surprise.

"Looking for something, Draco?" said Harry, dangling Malfoy's wand in front of his face and smirking. He leapt back as Malfoy jumped at him. He laughed like a manic.

"What's the matter?" he said, "Dracy-wakey can't get his wand back?"

"Give me that wand, Goddamn it!" said Malfoy.

At that moment the door opened, and Hermione popped her head in. She stared at the frozen scene in front of her.

"Language, Malfoy," she said finally, smirking.

"He has my wand!" whined Draco.

"Oh, would you look at that?" said Hermione genially, "Take care now, bye, bye then," She laughed and disappeared from the compartment. And then Ron's red head appeared.

"Bloody Hell Harry!" he said, laughing, and he left too, following Hermione. Harry and Draco were alone in the compartment again. Harry could not believe his friends had left him with this maniac. Then Malfoy spoke,

"Eww, where do you think they are going? Probably going to make out!"

"Shut up!" And Harry punched Malfoy in the face. It made a satisfying smash. Malfoy stood up straight.

"That didn't hurt. AAAH! OMG!" and he grabbed his nose in pain and slide down on to his seat. Harry threw his wand at him and grabbed his trunk and bolted toward the door.

When he had shut the door of Malfoy's compartment he wondered where Ron and Hermione were. He was thinking about what Malfoy said and wondered if it was true. It would be about time, Harry thought as he looked through windows of the left compartments. Then he heard a sound behind him. He then felt a fist collide in to his face. What the fuck was all he thought before he was tackled to the ground.

"DIE!" said Malfoy, "DIE, DIE, and DIE!" He rapidly gave Harry small, sharp punches with each "die!"

"Get the Hell away from me!" yelled Harry, wrestling Malfoy's hands back. He brought his knee up to Malfoy's crotch, and Malfoy howled and fell sideways off of him, rolling around on the train floor. He growled and kicked Harry in the same unmentionable place. Now both boys were rolling on the floor, grabbing the part of their bodies that hurt most.

"Blood Hell!" said a voice above Harry. Ron and Hermione had appeared, and Ron was trying to be inconspicuous while wiping Hermione's hot-pink lip-gloss off his face.

"Told you" Malfoy taunted through gritted teeth.

"Shut up" Harry groaned back. Ron started laughing at them.

"SHUT UP!" both of them yelled at Ron. He recoiled, looking at them like they were crazy.

"Jinx!" yelled Seamus, popping his head out of a side compartment door.

Harry swung his legs around and tripped Seamus, who landed hard on his back. The Irish boy yelled, and Malfoy had gotten over his pain and was also up. Harry gulped.

"So much for the Boy Who Lived," said Hermione, wincing as Harry was driven into the floor by two hundred and eighty pounds of anger and pissed off testosterone.

"Yah now they will call him the squash ed boy!" Ron said from somewhere above Harry. Malfoy and Seamus screamed and Harry soon found out why. It was super Candy Lady! The trolley rolled over Harry's fingers and he moaned in pain.

"No fighting in the hall!" she seemed to have just realized she had squished three sixteen-year-old boys.

"And you three go back in your compartment we are nearly there" She was pointing at Hermione, Ron, and Harry. Harry was relieved. She must have remembered that they were friends from past years. He got out from underneath his two classmates and followed the glum looking Ron in to the compartment.

"Harry you should not have been fighting with him! It is against the rules!"

"You shouldn't be talking! You-You-" He could not find the words for her and Ron's behavior. "You've been making out! Admit it! Repent! REPENT!"

"Like hell!" said Ron, jumping to his feet. He didn't seem to notice that there was still a smudge of lip-gloss on the edge of his mouth. "At least I'm not a cross-dressing man-whore, Harry Pot-head!"

"For the love of God!" yelled Hermione, coming in between the two sacks of raging hormones, "Sometimes I think I'm the only sane one on this train!"

It was at that moment, oddly enough, that Neville Longbottom decided to walk by singing a certain theme song about a giant purple dinosaur.

"I rest my case!" said Hermione, sitting down with a loud thump and raising her eyes to the heavens as if asking "Why me!"

Ron followed suit, but he was muttering under his breath. Harry heard something about Cho.

"Hey," he said, "You leave her out of this! At least I didn't lock lips with Hermione!"

Hermione gasped and jumped up again, and slapped Harry across the face. He sat their, stunned.

"So I'm not worth locking lips with, Harry James Potter?" she asked heatedly.

"I didn't mean that," he stuttered, "I meant, Ron's been your friend, and for years…"

"So I can't kiss a boy who I've known for years?" asked Hermione in a rage. Harry quivered and decided, going with his better judgment, to leave the compartment. He left in a hurry and sought refuge with Neville Longbottom, Ernie McMillan, and Susan Bones, none of whom he'd managed to infuriate on this particular trip.

"You look like you've landed face-first in a pile of dragon shit, Harry," said Ernie cheerfully.

"Not far off," said Harry glumly, "I've only been attacked by a psycho from Hell, a offended bag of female hormones, and a Goddamn snack trolley,"

"That all?" asked Ernie, not catching the drift in Harry's voice.

"This isn't how it's supposed to be, Harry," said Neville, "This all some whacked out conspiracy. We don't really belong here,"

"Neville, what the hell are you talking about?" asked Susan, looking at Neville like he was a penguin.

"Sorry," said Neville, shaking his head as if to clear it, "Out of movie experience there,"

Everyone looked at him funny. He seemed to shrink into the seat.

"Look!" He shouted suddenly, pointing wildly over their shoulders, "its Dumbledor wearing a pink bikini!"

Of course, they all looked. By they found out Neville had been pointing to Ernie, Longbottom was long gone.

"I can't believe we fell for that…again!" moaned Harry.

"Hey!" said Ernie, "I resent that Neville. I don't look that bad in a bikini."

At this point, Harry was seriously regretting insulting his _sane _friends. He decided to leave this compartment and find another one. He was beginning to feel like a ping-pong ball. He lunged his now feeling very heavy luggage through the train. Finally, he settled down in a compartment with a group of squealing third year girls, only to find out that they considered him a heartthrob. One even had a picture of him tattooed on to her…body. However, before he could leave, the train stopped, and Harry, relieved, ran to the nearest exit.

The End 


End file.
